oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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