you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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