Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
