I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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