I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
