Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he thought i was a dude.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
