It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
