What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I cut my penus on the lid.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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