Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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