Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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