I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
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