did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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