Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
