He had one of those small greek statue penises
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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