By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
