life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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