I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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