he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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