I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
two words: eviction party
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
