cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
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