If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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