I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize