if i can run in heels then i can drive
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
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This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
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You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
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