Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
