cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
