On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
