I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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