OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
