Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
