Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
