My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
