just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
