Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
