I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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