I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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