I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I checked into jail on foursquare
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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