he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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