I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
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I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
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btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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