proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
