Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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