The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I believe in your delicious
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Randomize
