Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Randomize
