you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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