I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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