You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
