i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
