I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Randomize
