It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
