I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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