if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
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