I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
either way he was missing a nipple.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
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Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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