dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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