He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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