Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
