I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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