I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
