Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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