Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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