so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
