I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
