I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
