Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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