my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
